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| George Buster Singleton |
(For decades, local historian and paranormal investigator
George “Buster” Singleton published a weekly newspaper column called “Somewhere
in Time.” The column below, which was titled “Alternatives offered to fill void
left by baseball strike” was originally published in the Sept. 8, 1994 edition
of The Monroe Journal in Monroeville, Ala.)
We Americans have become so wrapped up in professional
sports until many have considered suicide if the baseball strike doesn’t end.
We pay prices for tickets that are totally ridiculous just
to see a few players prance around in uniforms that fit so tight their blood
circulation is restricted. I don’t understand how some of them get these
uniforms on unless they grease themselves with Vaseline or something of a sorts
prior to trying to get dressed.
Each, prior to walking up to the plate to bat, has to stop
and scratch. Each is always chewing something like gum or tobacco that causes
them to also have to stop and spit. I suppose the scratching helps get their
blood circulating so if they should hit the ball they will be able to run to
first base. Oh, yes, I forgot to mention the bright-colored gloves that all
wear when they go up to bat. These gloves are a must.
Thousands of dollars
All of the players make several thousands of dollars just to
participate in one game. This adds up to several million a season. Now they are
striking for more money; our fantasy world of make believe will see that their
demands are met. I have a few suggestions that might help solve these
ridiculous carryings on; I’m sure that there would be less money paid out to
those who participate.
It wouldn’t hurt to try something different for a change.
Just imagine taking Yankee stadium and removing all the
dugouts except one. Do away with all the evidence such as home plate and the
three bases. Plant heavy grass all across this area so that the ground wouldn’t
be too hard if someone falls on it. Then, the team owners would purchase about
40 to 50 young billy goats. This alone would cost them less money than they
would pay a player for the time it takes for him to scratch himself.
Have each player wear a loose-fitting pair of pants and an
old shirt. This would save the management several thousands of dollars on
Vaseline alone.
Give each player a piece of rope no more than 15 feet long.
Here, again, much money could be saved on equipment alone.
Prior to the roping, place all the billy goats in the one
dugout. Place the players of each team on opposite sides of the field. At a
given signal, such as a loud horn blowing, release all the goats onto the
grassy field. As the roping teams rush out on the field, I have officials
positioned out there to count the goats that are roped by each team.
Goat ropings
Should a tie between the teams occur, allow two minutes
overtime for additional goat ropings to take place. Each player would be paid
$20 a game and given a billy goat for a pet.
The owner of the Atlanta Braves could create a lot of
interest by having his team to dress in the tightest uniforms that they could
locate. The cost of equipping the team would be a little more because of the
large amount of Vaseline that would have to be purchased.
Have each team place themselves on the opposite side of the
field and then give each member two peanuts. Sound a signal of a sorts, then
let each player push his two peanuts across the field with his nose. After each
team reaches the opposite side, inspect each player for rips in his pants.
The team that reached the opposite side of the field first
and had less rips in their uniform pants would win the contest. Their pay for
the game would be $10 each, and all the peanuts they could eat. Peanut sales
would pick up, and the peanut farmers in northeast Alabama would certainly be
grateful. This way, there would be some good in it for everybody.
There are dozens of ways that the mass crowds could be
entertained. One owner of a team could organize a hog-calling contest. It would
surprise you to know how many people, even today, think that they can call hogs
better than anyone else. A contest of this type would be quite simple to
arrange.
Ugly wife contest
There could be an ugly wife contest put on during the
hog-calling intermission. Or, to put the shoe on the other foot, an ugly
husband pageant. This way, almost all the menfolks would have a chance to
compete in the runnings.
I know that only a few, if any, of my readers has ever
participated in a nose-blowing contest. This is a contest to see who can make
the loudest nose when they blow their noses. All the equipment needed for a
contest such as this would be a loudspeaker. This would make it much more
easier to compete, and the contests would be much more interesting.
Unfortunately, when I was growing up, loudspeakers were few and far between.
Had there been one in the community, probably several nose-blowing world
champions would have come out of the area where I grew up.
For entering the contest, donate a box of paper napkins to
each of the contestants. This will also help the paper industry a great deal,
and a lot of sinuses will be cleared in the process. This may not sound like
much of a contest, but I do know if a great deal of pressure was exerted, a lot
would come out of it.
We Americans have been sold down the river. We pay great
prices for almost nothing when it comes to entertainment. We sit spellbound
while deadbeats twist and scream across stages and television screens in
something they refer to as music. Very few of us actually know what a beautiful
song might sound like anymore.
Deadbeats and misfits
Our professional sports have been taken over by a lot of
deadbeats and misfits, looking only for money. The time is at hand when we must
put an end to these ripoffs and start our youth on the road to pride, decency
and responsibility. Let the baseball teams strike; we can find many other ways
to entertain ourselves.
The handwriting is on the wall. We must heed its warning now
or never; it’s up to us. We can return pride and good, clean competition to the
playing fields of our youth. We must teach our sons and daughters that money is
not everything.
I have no objections to paying our professional athletes a reasonable
salary for their services, but I think that it has gotten out of hand. In fact,
I am really enjoying the baseball strike. I enjoy hearing some people I know
talk about something else other than baseball.
Prior to the strike, these folks thought nothing else on
this planet existed. This strike can help us prove, once again, that good fun
can be found anywhere; we only have to look.
Who knows, I could yet end up being the hog-calling or
nose-blowing champion of the world. Now wouldn’t that rip your britches?
(Singleton, the author
of the 1991 book “Of Foxfire and Phantom Soldiers,” passed away at the age of
79 on July 19, 2007. A longtime resident of Monroeville, he was born on Dec.
14, 1927 in Marengo County, graduated from Sweet Water High School, served in
the Korean War, lived for a time among Apache Indians, moved to Monroe County
in June 1964 (some sources say 1961) and served as the administrator of the
Monroeville National Guard unit from 1964 to 1987. For years, Singleton’s
column “Somewhere in Time” appeared in The Monroe Journal, and he wrote a
lengthy series of articles about Monroe County that appeared in Alabama Life
magazine. Some of his earlier columns also appeared under the heading of
“Monroe County History: Did You Know?” He is buried in Pineville Cemetery in
Monroeville. The column above and all of Singleton’s other columns are available
to the public through the microfilm records at the Monroe County Public Library
in Monroeville. Singleton’s columns are presented here each week for research
and scholarship purposes and as part of an effort to keep his work and memory
alive.)
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